dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
