Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My vagina just clenched in fear
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
