i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
