Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
