Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
