You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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