if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
