They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
