dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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