I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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