We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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