remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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