I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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