we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
