saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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