I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
