So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
