its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
