I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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