I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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