is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
