just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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