I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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