...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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