Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
