she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You are a genius and a whore.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
