I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
