How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
