I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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