the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
