I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She said her name was "party"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
