We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
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What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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