Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
