What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
