Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Are we still banned from the library?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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