Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
