Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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