Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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