Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
