Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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