If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
