I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
