woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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