I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
