He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
