I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
