so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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