I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
