Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
