Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
