I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
