If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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