I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
