I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
At least life still wants to fuck me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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