this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
