Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
