I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
