Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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