You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
