your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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